Navigating the waters.....

There is a line that the other character says right at the beginning of  the play, "The monster is back." The character is referring to cancer, his personal demon. As rehearsals have intensified, leading into performance and I connect more and more to my character, I hear that line repeating in my head a lot, in reference to my demon.  A teasing voice saying "you fool...you took this part and you proceeded to dabble and play with fire and guess what, loser-- here I am!  The monster is back, what are you going to do now?"

Well, first of all, back off monster!  You are not "back."  I am not suicidal.  I have no intention of jumping off of a bridge or slicing my wrists or  swallowing an entire bottle full of pills.  I am excited by both the present and the future and am committed to staying here. This is a fucking play, not life and you are in no way "back." Yet, I am, and it troubles me to admit this, once again having difficulty facing the day to day.  When I wake in the morning,  generally after a restless night, my body aches, and not from working out too much.  My heart feels heavy and my eyes are teary.  The outside world seems ominous and I want to return to the cocoon of my bedroom. I'm constantly exhausted yet, even after an extremely long day, as soon as I'm in bed with the lights out, I'm wide awake, listening to every groan of the house and feeling the earth shift underneath me. For a person prone to deep depression, this is a very uncomfortable state of being.  The question becomes how to manage it and not let it sabotage the really wonderful things happening in my life.

The play opened this past weekend. It was both exhilarating and exhausting. We had four shows, some of which felt amazing, some felt a little less so, though they all went well.  We are waiting for reviews, hoping that they will be positive.  I also hope that my friends will show up for this show.  I'm navigating the disappointment of my mother not acknowledging opening at all, having not sent even a text. I keep telling myself that it's not a big deal, but of course it is.  What balances out the predictable disappointment there is the surprise of flowers from a friend in San Francisco and the good wishes from my sister and numerous other friends.  I am constantly reminded that I have a deep well of love and support from the family that I have created. 

I was asked, at the one talk-back I did, what the hardest part of the play was.  I answered "keeping Sue separate from me."  It's been really interesting how little of my own life I use onstage.  I don't feel like me. I stand differently and use my voice differently.  I thought, going into this project, that it would be hard keeping us separate on stage, that it would be too revealing. It's not. I don't feel my life on stage at all-I feel hers.  Offstage however, it's a different story. I do feel a bit of her sadness and desperation bleeding into my life.  Her loneliness mirrors mine.  I basically have today, a Monday, off. I am wandering my tiny house, a little lost and afraid.  I'm jumping from project to project, from the piano to making baby ballerina headpieces to writing, to cleaning and back again to the piano....I crave the touch of another person, yet fear that touch more than anything else I can think of.  This yearning for contact, yet abject fear of that same contact is where the two of us meet.  I am using this quiet somewhat rainy day to wander through the fear and let it exist without taking over. I am teaching myself to enjoy the success of being an actress who can touch the darker parts of our souls, both the personal and the collective and NOT be consumed by them.

A Guest Blogger! Actress Carrie Madsen on her styling experience!

I work on occasion, as a stylist.  I love bringing together all of the disparate parts of my experience as a performer, designer and even choreographer to make a picture or create a look for a person. I recently worked with actress, dancer, and newish LA transplant Carrie Madsen on creating a personal and professional look that would help her up her already considerable game!  This was her experience:

I'm a decent looking gal, used to get away with wearing 'whatever' and feeling pretty good about it.  Well, when it came time to up my game, that no longer worked.

In an industry that is based on image, and being a professional that wants to be viewed as such, my need to start appearing as my best-self, and also appropriate to the occasion and location, became apparent.

I tried to do it on my own.  I read magazines.  I looked at how others were dressed.  There were too many options. I struggled and then became frustrated.  I went out a few times in outfits I was horrified I had put together.  The things in my closet became confusing and hateful.  I needed help.

Enter Nancy Dobbs Owen.

She was recommended by a friend.

I was excited but also nervous. 

Could this really help and be the answer or was I just throwing more money at the problem?

Yes, yes and emphatic no!

First we met and talked about how I saw myself.  Hard question for me, that was my whole problem, but when asked who's style I admired - that I could answer: Diane Keaton, Julianne Moore, Julianna Margulies.....  She got my vibe and gave it a name - classic with a twist.  I found Nancy easy to talk to and collaborative - she created an ease and casualness that calmed my anxiety and intimidation.

We next went through my closet and I tried things on.  I couldn't believe how much stuff was really not flattering to me.  Some of it I was relieved to finally let go of, some of it I was surprised to learn was no good.  I trusted her eye and her reasoning and watched the reject pile grow.  We also set some things aside to be professionally altered so the fit was right for me.  Simple, but had I ever thought of it or gotten around to it? No.

As we did this we made a list of what staples I needed not only for specific work occasions but also for my everyday image.  It was the everyday image that actually was causing me the most confusion.  I know I shouldn't walk around in workout gear but knowing how to look hip and casual was a challenge.  She assured me we would fix this.

Our next meeting was to shop.  I was really nervous about this. I can have magical shopping days but more often than not, I find shopping tiring and pretty discouraging.  Also, I think that some of the things I found on my magical days, were things we got rid of, so I wasn't feeling too confident.  She kept telling me it would be fun. I was skeptical.

She was right.  She has the golden touch and a eagle eye.  She can shop discount or high end.  It's finding the finds at a discount that I think is a gift.  We found some really unique and cool stuff that I would never have given a second look to on my own.  I went home with amazing booty!  I was learning as we went along too.  I was starting to understand how I should be dressing myself and what things to put together.  What brands and styles to run away from.  I am relieved to think I will no longer be shopping for things I never wear or that I wear awkwardly and incorrectly.  

The next thing was to make sure I was secure with each of my looks and pieces by charting them. Lastly, she selected finishing touches with statement jewelry and accents.  (She designs amazing jewelry too).

I feel like I really honored myself by doing this and doing it well with Nancy's skills and expertise.  I can now go anywhere and know I look sharp, interesting and appropriate.  This gives me self-assurance that makes me more successful in everything I do.  I would like to believe it doesn't matter how I look but I see how people's confidence in me is raised because I look attractive and creative and like I have my act together.  Isn't that who everyone wants to do business with?   I am also more willing to be seen now. 

In case any of this sounds familiar, I wanted you to have access to what I found to be the answer to my cry for personal style help.  We are gorgeous talented individuals-- so let's look that way darn it!

Cool, right??  I'm looking to do more styling work.  I have worked for photographers, done live shows (a big one for Ford-the car company, not Tom Ford--though that could happen) and runway shows.  My favorite aspect of this business is personal styling, the same thing that Carrie and I did.  Contact me directly if this is something that you'd like to check out.  For a print portfolio, click here.