Loss

My dearest friend lost her little brother today. I know that in our adulthood, "little" brother or "little" sister is not how we usually refer to our younger siblings, but there is this part inside that always sees them in that light; the little pest following you around. The same little pest that you would risk your own life to defend or save or ... well, when push comes to shove, truly nothing is more precious than your little brother or sister. So, my heart breaks for my friend and her family, who lost their precious child much too soon.

What matters.

It's been a crazy week. I broke my toe, which slowed me down for a day. I then got the stomach flu Friday night and wow, that was a little meaner, but I still rocked two auditions over the weekend, did a photo shoot, styled another one and went on a date....it's amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it. I met someone who started exercising the day after having his prostate removed. Mind over matter. It's all mind over matter. That is what counts.

Mixed Messages...

OMG. I put up a picture, wrote a short bio and description and I'm getting all of these emails and winks and lists and such. I still haven't paid the piper, so I have no way to access this rich assortment of male admiration but...you know. It does sort of feel good in a way. It is nice to realize that people think you are attractive. I mean, especially in the industry in which I reside. I rarely feel that positive energy coming my way. Yet, I am finding it strangely annoying in a way. I remember a conversation I had with a friend a while back. We were talking about putting out the right energy to attract people or men or whatever. I realize that, though I may dress nicely and want people to look at me, when they actually do my reaction is "WTF are you looking at?????" That is the reaction that I am having at this moment to the multitude of winks and emails filling up my inbox. Wow, WTF and go away. Slightly mixed messages, don't you think??

Match dot com

So, in a moment of weakness, I signed up for Match.com. I didn't pay anything. They simply send me a menu of men each night. I'm not sure, since I sent them no money, if I'm actually allowed to partake of this buffet or not. I would guess not. It's kind of hilarious, right? I mean, "here are your fresh picks for this evening mademoiselle. What do you think?" This one is cute but ABSOLUTELY wants children. This one is spiritual but not religious. This one is conservative and Christian (yet somehow being sent to me, an agnostic progressive....hmmmm). I'm sure each is convinced that they are unique and special people yet they all kind of look the same. They all look the same, just like I'm sure the myriad of headshots that we all slave over look the same to casting directors or the thousands of look books that boutique owners get in the mail or their in-boxes look the same. Same for scripts, novels, essays, blog entries or or or or or or....It's all the same. How do we reconcile this state of affairs with the reality that we are individuals and we all want something, which may look alike, but will feel absolutely mind blowing and original.....

First Booking for my new headshots!!

I am ridiculously happy that my new headshots booked their first job. It's a little funny that as an actor all you need for life to be ok is to hear those two little words; you're booked. You are the exact same person that you were before you heard the words, but you hear them and suddenly your life choice, for the moment, is validated. Seriously, we are ALWAYS unemployed. Gigging is not employment. Each time I get a check, it holds the excitement of the first check ever and the fear that it will be the last. For now, I'll just enjoy it and leave the despair for after the job is over.

Political Hypocrisy

I am furious with the current campaigns being waged in California for governor and for the Senate. Meg Whitman, the Republican candidate for governor, is buying the seat, spending 91 million of her own dollars. Yes, 91 million dollars. She is running as a fiscal conservative but what does her bottomless spending show? Someone who has absolutely no ability to budget or conserve and is basically amazingly and completely self serving. I understand that it is her money, she is not receiving public funds, yet the waste is still criminal. I would like to see, in my Utopian universe, a way that candidates can use the millions upon millions of dollars that they spend bashing each other in the media to do good. How about donating 2 million dollars to the LAUSD and making a few speeches at the ceremony. How about donating 10 million to create a health care pool for under served populations and making a few speeches there. The possibilities are endless and the press and media sources could help by making sure that the donations are publicized and by giving the candidates time and coverage to make it worth it. We could make it a public policy; for every dollar spent on a TV ad or newspaper ad, the same dollar would have to be donated to a worthy cause. It might help us out of this catastrophic financial crisis that we are in and give us candidates who want to govern and do good, rather than feed their egos by buying a kingdom.

Working it out....

Sometimes the universe takes whatever it is you think you need, and holds it....just out of reach. I think that it is supposed to teach you patience or give you wisdom, but I often feel that fate or God or karma is just sitting up there laughing hysterically at my human foibles. I mean seriously. This time it's financial, but sometimes it's the role that is given to your best friend or the job that is canceled at the last minute or the vacation that gets canceled because you had to book the year's only job on the one day that you had booked out. I mean, really??? So, I'm just trying to breathe and take it one moment at a time. Without, you know, tying myself in knots....RIGHT!!!