Yeah....and...

So, I got a gig for X-mas Eve, which is hilarious for an agnostic like myself.  Paid to sing in church.  Perfect.  Maybe I'll find some faith.  Not.  I can see my dad so thrilled and my grandmother throwing things in disgust.  The inner dialogue meets the outer: a check.  Check wins.  But seriously, picture Clara Freidenreich sending a lightening bolt from the netherworld as I launch into Silent Night.  In Hebrew.  Kid you not.  Might mess up the effect that the pastor and musical director have in mind.  It's all good.  Singing is good.

Aside from this gig, I am set for the new year.  Met with Dallas, guru to the wanna be stars here in LA and we have an actual workable plan.  First co-star role set for January.  Don't know where or when but it's mine and coming.  Period.  Everything else will follow.  A photographer who will work for jewelry.  Getting my dance reel together and working on getting a choreography one....(harder). My materials need to mirror my life and ambition, not hold me back.  Putting out into the universe what I want.  Declaring myself a success.  I am living in the possibility of unlimited success.  Now.

Lord, it looks like my language has been taken over by Landmark clones. NOT SO. The ideas are sound. Back away from the jargon!!! Back slowly away.

Ok, Away from jargon. Still declaring myself a success in the moment, because, well, it works.

Ok, so what if there is nothing to post?  No earth shattering  pronouncements or great accomplishments...just trying to stay above ground, day in and day out....anyway...that's all there is to say.

And back in LA....

Thanksgiving with the family.  Wow.  I am not a holiday person.  They make me nervous, uncomfortable, anxious....so much food, so much pressure, so much PAST.  But, since my sister was broken and her husband sick and my niece so damned tempting, I went.  To Arizona.  By car.  Much too fast.  Oh yes.  Arizona loves speeding tickets.  Fell right into the trap.  Which was fitting because I fell into many many many emotional traps as well.  In contrast to all of my progress in dealing with my mother on the phone, in person I fall into trap after trap after trap.  From the outside, it's actually rather interesting.  If I were a shrink watching someone else, I could give many many interpretations.  Instead I just fall into the traps, fight, and feel like shit.   Not brilliant.

However, I did spend much quality time with my niece which was AWESOME.  Favorite moments:

1. While getting a riding lesson from my sister (I am not a great rider, but do get onto a horse whenever I visit.  I was working on cantering around in a circle.  Jordan, age 5 was working on trotting around in a circle)

"Nancy, you know when I was riding next to you?   I was pretending that we were racing and in my head, I was going at a gallop!!"

2. Barb was putting her to bed:

Mom, can I have a backrub?

No sweetie, just go to bed.

pause....

Well, I'll just roll over and my back is here if you want it...

3.  Our day of shopping.  The girl's first word was shoe.  Seriously.  It was prescient... We had a blast and she made out like a bandit!

The next holiday is only 3 weeks away.  Hopefully I can pull out of the free fall into the traps on that trip....