Accomplishments

I am not one to sit down and assess what I've accomplished in a set amount of time. I go directly to ALL THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE right away.  While there is a certain amount of motivation in such an approach, there is also a lack of pretty much everything else.  How can you find satisfaction or success in your work, or really in your life,  when you never stop to actually see what it is that you have finished and how that finished project makes you feel?  So, in the spirit of a new year, and a new approach, I am going to list my accomplishments from 2012.  Because I have not had a complete mind/body transplant, I will also make a list of things I hope to accomplish is 2013 and beyond.

1. I directed my first full production, War Bride at SkyPilot Theatre. Not only did I survive, it was a commercial and critical success, garnering killer reviews and forming the basis for .....
2. The founding of my new production company, Weyward Sisters Productions, with my co-creators and dear friends from War Bride, Samantha Macher and Heidi-Marie Hostetler.
3. LOTS of choreography in almost every medium:
On stage: Working for the Production Company at The Lex Theater and The Snow Queen for Blame the Clown Productions at The Fremont Centre Stage
On the Web: Squad 85 Web Series
On Film: Surrender To The Mystery, produced by Weyward Sisters Productions.
4. Work as a performer on camera: Not as much as I would have liked, but a few cool projects: the web series hIMPERFECT, City Bus; a short for James Franco's film project at UCLA, as a dancer in my own film Surrender to the Mystery and in a wonderful anti-violence music video for UNICEF.
5. I had my first starring role on stage, in Richard Raskind's The Bridge Club at Deaf/West Theater and garnered some amazing reviews.
6. I grew as a teacher and have a wonderful group of students who are both serious and passionate about dance.
7. Outside validation: all of my work this year received wonderful reviews and even some awards.
8. I did my first Serial Killers at Sacred Fools and will be forever known there as the singing mouse. This is both immensely gratifying and slightly distressing.
9. I grew my outside businesses, jewelry design and styling, back up in a way that feels supportive of rather than destructive to my ultimate goals of creating and performing.  I feel inspired by both of these parts of my creativity once again. 
10.  I stepped out of my comfort zone and contacted complete strangers in my field who I admire and want to work with.  Two have become trusted mentors and even more importantly, friends.
11. I stuck with my personal work with Marcela, even when it has been hard and ugly and combative. I am making progress. There is so much to do, but I am putting this under accomplishment. I am a much stronger person than I was even one year ago.
12. I am on the road to some sort of financial stability. Like the above statement, there is much to do, but I am once again putting it under accomplishment. I am not there yet, but I am gaining ground and have a clearer understanding of what action needs to be taken.

On the books for the coming year:
1. More performing. Period. On the AEA stage. On film. On the small screen. On the web. And please, just one commercial would be really freaking awesome.
2. Health insurance.  Preferably through one of my performing unions.  See above.
3. I would like to direct and choreograph a fully produced musical.  I would like to direct more in general, but this is my specific goal.
4. Successful completion of the Weyward Sisters Agenda:
   -Nevada Line  (music video: as singer, choreographer, producer)
   -St. Mary's School For Girls (short film: director and producer)
   -The Matador (stage production of our future feature: Actor/dancer, co-choreographer, producer)
5. On a personal level: I am opening myself up to the possibility that I may not be completely dead inside and that a romantic relationship may be a lovely and enriching experience. Just open to the possibility.
6. I am growing my hair out.  I need to stick with it, through the ugly phase. This seems important, though I am pretty sure that it is not.
7. Increased political action.  On gun control, gay rights, education and arts accessibility.
8. To not take myself so freaking seriously all of the time.

Happy Holidays.  I wish everyone a wonderful and peaceful 2013.

I am stuck. I feel jealous and petty and ungrateful and small.  I see the success of others and rather than send love and admiration, I am seeing green.  It's making me angry. Angry at everyone.  Angry mostly at myself. I am too old to be jealous.  I am tired, as a clear eyed person observed recently (which also made me angry) of being stuck in misery.  I know that the anger is sourced somewhere.  It doesn't create itself.  It is created from disappointment, from inertia, from the feeling--however unjustified--of powerlessness.  And that is where it can turn. Because I am not powerless.  I am strong.  I am not young, but I am certainly not old  So, that green monster can become energy and I can put that energy towards what I want.  Just put all of that fucking energy into the WANT. And there I stop dead in my tracks.  Because in the middle of the night, when all of the demands and pressures of the day are distant and I ask myself what that deep desire that eats me up inside is, I come up empty. I have no idea. I see a black starless sky and it holds no answers.  I know what society says I want.  I know what my actions say I want.  I know what I am ostensibly working towards and that I should build upon the considerable success of the recent past.  I SHOULD want that but, what is it?  What is the actual thing or state of being or space that I yearn for....I cannot identify it. It remains this aching void that I keep trying to fill; with work, with movement, with the occasional purchase of a blouse or scarf or a fierce vegan leather jacket (an oxymoron if ever there was.....). And that makes me mad.  That constant attempt to fill enrages me. A circular rage that returns, because I don't deserve to be angry.  There is nothing to be angry at or about, which is infuriating.  The truth is that much of the time I do feel inspired in the moment of creation or while teaching or running or certainly while dancing. When I let that inspiration in, it feels great. It's later that there is that gnawing ache and vague sense that it is all worthless or hopeless and that sensation that pricks at my heart is accompanied by a whispering voice that says that I'm failing. That whatever it is that I am reaching for, it won't work. That no matter how fast I run, dance, teach, create....it will not be enough. That cannot be true. I must want something real.  There must be something or someone or someplace that I will get or meet or be and that THING will touch something deep inside my being and say yes.  Yes, this is it. That tiny whispering, taunting, insufferable voice cannot be the last word.  I am too angry for that.  I am determined to slow down and prove that fucker wrong.

This is not a flattering self portrait.  I understand that.  In rereading it I see pettiness and dissatisfaction, qualities that I might judge if I saw them in someone else, and certainly judge in seeing them here.  There is an honesty though in saying I don't know; I don't know what I want or who I am, but this, this person who runs so fast during the day and is sad and alone at night, this is not my core and I will change that. If anger is the source of that change, so be it.

My dear friend Jamie wrote a similarly themed, but much more eloquent piece on this subject which was published on one of my favorite blogs.  You can read it here: Like Mad

War Bride Director's Note...

 

Xenophobia: noun

an unreasonable fear or hatred of foreigners or strangers or of that which is foreign or strange.

I remember asking my mother the meaning of the word when I was maybe 8 or 9 years old. I found the definition shocking.  Why would you despise people just because they come from a different place or have a different skin color?  I grew up in an extremely integrated community and had friends of every race and color growing up. My parents were part of a group that hosted international visitors and we often had foreign guests in our home.  I didn't realize until I moved away how unique an upbringing that was.

War Bride takes place in Merced, California in the fall of 1945; right after the War in the Pacific has ended. People are still scared and unsure about what happens next.  Japanese American citizens remain interned at Manzanar and at other camps throughout the Western United States (The last camp did not close until March of 1946).  Our title character walks into a world in which she is automatically feared and hated. Japanese books, literature; really any study of the culture at all are considered contraband and the possession of such things can result in incarceration or worse.  She also has a secret and needs an ally. The journey that she needs to travel, both physically and metaphorically, is tremendous.  The journey that Catherine makes in trying to understand her is no less arduous. 

I was drawn to this project on numerous levels.  First and foremost is the story, which I shall not spoil for you by sharing, but I will tell you that it is original and told in a unique voice, something that is sadly lacking in theater today. Women are also missing in much of American Theater. We are a small minority of the directors, playwrights, choreographers, producers, and yes, of the actors on stage.  Any project that brings us together and focuses on the female experience is one that I am very interested in being a part of! 

Finally, the Asian American story is one that needs to be told. The Japanese experience, especially during and immediately after World War Two is an enormous facet of it.  Approximately 46, 000 Japanese war brides came to the United States following the War in The Pacific. Our treatment of Japanese American citizens during the war is one of the darkest hours of our recent collective history, yet is repeated, in different degrees, whenever we as a nation feel threatened. I feel that whenever we can examine ourselves, as a people, through art, we have the opportunity to evolve.  Authenticity is an enormous element of this and I am proud of the fact we have roles for Asian actors that we have cast with Asian actors. I fully support color-blind casting when race is not central to the story. When it is, I think that every effort should be made to find actors of the representative group and am so thrilled with our group of Asian and specifically Japanese actors. 

This play has been a wonderful collaborative experience and I am so thrilled to have been a part of it. I am especially grateful to Samantha Macher for writing it and to Heidi Hostetler for being my right hand.  

To buy tickets, click here.

 

Butoh

While doing the research for War Bride, I read quite a large number of articles and watched numerous videos on both the history of Butoh dance and the current practice of it.

Butoh emerged in Japan during the late 1950s and early 1960s as an alternative dance and culture movement. Though it drew upon the traditional Japanese and Western dance, especially the mincing movement that is required when walking in a kimono, that existed at the time, it was in essence a rebellion against it. 

In Butoh, the body speaks for itself, though unconscious and improvised movement. This primal movement is combined with other dance, martial arts, and theater movement into an art form that seems almost other worldly.  The two videos below both blew me away.  The first is an Israeli dancer who is also an astonishing painter.  The second is a hip-hop dancer who was inspired by the Butoh and took it yet another direction.  I hope you enjoy them both.

War Bride: The Trailer!

 

Written by Samantha Macher, Directed by me, Shot and Edited by Heidi Marie, Starring Sachiyo K

I am so excited to present the trailer for our play, War Bride. The process of creating this was a blast. My first idea was way too huge, and Heidi laughed and was like, no. We then whittled it down to the essence of the play and what we wanted people to know; what would entice them to come.  I am hooked on this form of story telling. To be able to take the most basic props and turn them into something beautiful, well, that is awesome. I also really enjoyed working with these women and it made me even more excited to jump into rehearsals, which we did the following day.  The play is huge; there are so many elements, the scale of the story is grand and the history behind it immense. Shooting this trailer reminded me what I need to remember as a director.  Whittle each scene to it's essence. Tell this story simply and make it beautiful. Therein lies success. The joy of collaboration that accompanies the process is the gift that makes this crazy artistic existence worthwhile.

War Bride

You will be devastated by what you discover.....photo by Heidi Hostetler

My next project is underway. I am both directing and choreographing a new play: War Bride by Samantha Macher. It feels a little bit like I would imagine standing on the wing of an airplane would, or perhaps leaning out over the Grand Canyon. There are so many opportunities for failure and a crash and burn and it could be terrifying BUT it is instead absolutely invigorating.  I can see this play in my head--the beauty and devastation of the characters, the pictures that they make on stage, the music in their voices and the way that their individual characters interact to make this tale come alive.  I love collaboration and have managed to assemble a group of wonderful actors that are jumping right into it with me. We had our first real rehearsal on Tuesday and while it was immensely productive, was also so much fun. We talked and explored and worked through tiny details of the characters, going back  and forth on the details that are in the script, and those that we feel should be; the playwright is still revising and is a vibrant part of the discussion and process. We answered some questions, left some open and all in all set the stage for some magic to happen.  We shot a teaser as well on Monday and even that made my heart sing.  I love to create and I think I'm finally open enough to let wonderful opportunities find me and to recognize them as such when they appear.

Many more posts to follow.  The show is being produced by SkyPilot Theater in association with The New Works Initiative at Hollins University.  It opens August 11, 2012 at TU Studios in North Hollywood, CA. 
Click on the link to check out the theater and the current production, Earthbound, An Electronica Musical
SkyPilot Theatre

Navigating the waters.....

There is a line that the other character says right at the beginning of  the play, "The monster is back." The character is referring to cancer, his personal demon. As rehearsals have intensified, leading into performance and I connect more and more to my character, I hear that line repeating in my head a lot, in reference to my demon.  A teasing voice saying "you fool...you took this part and you proceeded to dabble and play with fire and guess what, loser-- here I am!  The monster is back, what are you going to do now?"

Well, first of all, back off monster!  You are not "back."  I am not suicidal.  I have no intention of jumping off of a bridge or slicing my wrists or  swallowing an entire bottle full of pills.  I am excited by both the present and the future and am committed to staying here. This is a fucking play, not life and you are in no way "back." Yet, I am, and it troubles me to admit this, once again having difficulty facing the day to day.  When I wake in the morning,  generally after a restless night, my body aches, and not from working out too much.  My heart feels heavy and my eyes are teary.  The outside world seems ominous and I want to return to the cocoon of my bedroom. I'm constantly exhausted yet, even after an extremely long day, as soon as I'm in bed with the lights out, I'm wide awake, listening to every groan of the house and feeling the earth shift underneath me. For a person prone to deep depression, this is a very uncomfortable state of being.  The question becomes how to manage it and not let it sabotage the really wonderful things happening in my life.

The play opened this past weekend. It was both exhilarating and exhausting. We had four shows, some of which felt amazing, some felt a little less so, though they all went well.  We are waiting for reviews, hoping that they will be positive.  I also hope that my friends will show up for this show.  I'm navigating the disappointment of my mother not acknowledging opening at all, having not sent even a text. I keep telling myself that it's not a big deal, but of course it is.  What balances out the predictable disappointment there is the surprise of flowers from a friend in San Francisco and the good wishes from my sister and numerous other friends.  I am constantly reminded that I have a deep well of love and support from the family that I have created. 

I was asked, at the one talk-back I did, what the hardest part of the play was.  I answered "keeping Sue separate from me."  It's been really interesting how little of my own life I use onstage.  I don't feel like me. I stand differently and use my voice differently.  I thought, going into this project, that it would be hard keeping us separate on stage, that it would be too revealing. It's not. I don't feel my life on stage at all-I feel hers.  Offstage however, it's a different story. I do feel a bit of her sadness and desperation bleeding into my life.  Her loneliness mirrors mine.  I basically have today, a Monday, off. I am wandering my tiny house, a little lost and afraid.  I'm jumping from project to project, from the piano to making baby ballerina headpieces to writing, to cleaning and back again to the piano....I crave the touch of another person, yet fear that touch more than anything else I can think of.  This yearning for contact, yet abject fear of that same contact is where the two of us meet.  I am using this quiet somewhat rainy day to wander through the fear and let it exist without taking over. I am teaching myself to enjoy the success of being an actress who can touch the darker parts of our souls, both the personal and the collective and NOT be consumed by them.

A Guest Blogger! Actress Carrie Madsen on her styling experience!

I work on occasion, as a stylist.  I love bringing together all of the disparate parts of my experience as a performer, designer and even choreographer to make a picture or create a look for a person. I recently worked with actress, dancer, and newish LA transplant Carrie Madsen on creating a personal and professional look that would help her up her already considerable game!  This was her experience:

I'm a decent looking gal, used to get away with wearing 'whatever' and feeling pretty good about it.  Well, when it came time to up my game, that no longer worked.

In an industry that is based on image, and being a professional that wants to be viewed as such, my need to start appearing as my best-self, and also appropriate to the occasion and location, became apparent.

I tried to do it on my own.  I read magazines.  I looked at how others were dressed.  There were too many options. I struggled and then became frustrated.  I went out a few times in outfits I was horrified I had put together.  The things in my closet became confusing and hateful.  I needed help.

Enter Nancy Dobbs Owen.

She was recommended by a friend.

I was excited but also nervous. 

Could this really help and be the answer or was I just throwing more money at the problem?

Yes, yes and emphatic no!

First we met and talked about how I saw myself.  Hard question for me, that was my whole problem, but when asked who's style I admired - that I could answer: Diane Keaton, Julianne Moore, Julianna Margulies.....  She got my vibe and gave it a name - classic with a twist.  I found Nancy easy to talk to and collaborative - she created an ease and casualness that calmed my anxiety and intimidation.

We next went through my closet and I tried things on.  I couldn't believe how much stuff was really not flattering to me.  Some of it I was relieved to finally let go of, some of it I was surprised to learn was no good.  I trusted her eye and her reasoning and watched the reject pile grow.  We also set some things aside to be professionally altered so the fit was right for me.  Simple, but had I ever thought of it or gotten around to it? No.

As we did this we made a list of what staples I needed not only for specific work occasions but also for my everyday image.  It was the everyday image that actually was causing me the most confusion.  I know I shouldn't walk around in workout gear but knowing how to look hip and casual was a challenge.  She assured me we would fix this.

Our next meeting was to shop.  I was really nervous about this. I can have magical shopping days but more often than not, I find shopping tiring and pretty discouraging.  Also, I think that some of the things I found on my magical days, were things we got rid of, so I wasn't feeling too confident.  She kept telling me it would be fun. I was skeptical.

She was right.  She has the golden touch and a eagle eye.  She can shop discount or high end.  It's finding the finds at a discount that I think is a gift.  We found some really unique and cool stuff that I would never have given a second look to on my own.  I went home with amazing booty!  I was learning as we went along too.  I was starting to understand how I should be dressing myself and what things to put together.  What brands and styles to run away from.  I am relieved to think I will no longer be shopping for things I never wear or that I wear awkwardly and incorrectly.  

The next thing was to make sure I was secure with each of my looks and pieces by charting them. Lastly, she selected finishing touches with statement jewelry and accents.  (She designs amazing jewelry too).

I feel like I really honored myself by doing this and doing it well with Nancy's skills and expertise.  I can now go anywhere and know I look sharp, interesting and appropriate.  This gives me self-assurance that makes me more successful in everything I do.  I would like to believe it doesn't matter how I look but I see how people's confidence in me is raised because I look attractive and creative and like I have my act together.  Isn't that who everyone wants to do business with?   I am also more willing to be seen now. 

In case any of this sounds familiar, I wanted you to have access to what I found to be the answer to my cry for personal style help.  We are gorgeous talented individuals-- so let's look that way darn it!

Cool, right??  I'm looking to do more styling work.  I have worked for photographers, done live shows (a big one for Ford-the car company, not Tom Ford--though that could happen) and runway shows.  My favorite aspect of this business is personal styling, the same thing that Carrie and I did.  Contact me directly if this is something that you'd like to check out.  For a print portfolio, click here.

The Bridge Club

I've just started rehearsals for an amazing beautiful play, Richard Raskind's The Bridge Club. I am excited and scared and thrilled, just like I would be for any new project.  The challenge is huge and invigorating.  The team is wonderful and top notch, the other actors are stellar and it's at Deaf/West Theater, a fantastic venue.  It's both an artistic and career jump, something that is a rare gift here in LA.  With all of that however, I find that I have an extra flutter in my stomach, an additional layer of fear and trepidation.  The subject of this play is suicide and the setting is San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge. This is personal in a way  I never imagined my art and life combining.  I spent a cold night not that many years ago standing on the top of that very bridge, contemplating the waters below. I eventually made a phone call to my therapist and something in his voice helped me walk away, but it took a long time for the attraction of that long fall to freedom to fade.  I spent many years actively suicidal, destroying myself in various attempts to numb the pain, to escape, and in a twisted way, I'm learning to see, survive.  Now I have this wonderful opportunity to share what that particular hopelessness feels like, in a way that many other actresses might not have access to. It is an honor for sure, yet there is this little remnant of fear...what if in working on this play, what if accessing those feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness and lovelessness brings them back to the forefront of my psyche? I've done so much work on myself and on my place in this world. This is a test, in a way, to see if it holds. After a few rehearsals, I'm confident that it will.

I've questioned the value of writing about this.  I don't want to scare the director or producer! "We didn't hire an actress, we hired a nut case! Crap!!" Not true of, course. I am not my character. We share some characteristics to be sure, but we live in different places, in different times, in fantasy and in reality.  Our circumstances differ: her prospects are bleak and her life is empty, with little hope and no resources. I have friends and family. I have numerous people to call on for support, friendship and care.  Most importantly, I care about other people on a daily basis.  I have started to accept the fact that my existence matters to them.  I have students and responsibilities and dreams that I can finally say that I still believe in and continue to strive towards.  There is value in talking about that journey, traveling to a place of reaching for more.  When you are suicidal, you believe, with your whole being, that there is no one who can understand how much you are twisting inside, how much it hurts to wake up each morning and face the multiple indignities of the day.  In opening up dialogue, in talking about options and in making connections, you realize that there is a possible tomorrow that is not the same as the one you are slogging through today. And in accepting a role in a beautiful play, you get to play out the other side of it, and face the consequences of having done so.  I love this play and am so grateful that the work I have done, with so many wonderful and stubborn people, has finally led me to a place where I can play with those feelings, rather than be consumed by them.

One of the characters in the play is a bridge patrol officer.  Folk singer Meg Hutchinson wrote a beautiful song called "GateKeeper" that honors one such person.  It's so touching. This man starts each conversation with a few simple questions. "How are you feeling?  What are your plans for tomorrow?  Why don't we make some?"  Here is a live version of her performing it. I hope you enjoy it.  And come see the play.  We open April 20 at Deaf/West Theater in North Hollywood and run for 4 weeks.

A friend has a much younger sibling going through hell.  She did the most amazing thing and asked all of her friends to write to him, so that she can give him a letter each morning to help him feel less alone......this is my letter.

Hey __________,
I hear that you are having a really rough time, and I'm going to start this letter by saying that I absolutely know that my words will seem stupid and as if I don't understand. I won't, no matter how hard I try, be able to convey that I know just how shitty you feel.  I totally get it.  I get it because I spent 10 years suicidal.  I tried pills, anorexia, cutting, crashing cars....I wanted out. I get it. It sucks and the worst part is that you can't convey just how much it sucks and how freaking hard it is to get up every morning. People tell you all sorts of inane and stupid things about life being precious and a gift and some will even tell you that it's a sin to reject it.  And you will say silently in your head, bullshit.  I get it.  I wanted out.  Every time that I tried and then found myself awake again, I was pissed.  But you know what? After a while, I realized that it was ok that I woke up each and every time. I'm not going to tell you that life gets better or that people get better.  They do or they don't.  But, YOU, you absolutely get better.  You get stronger and smarter and you eventually find something or someone that makes  your heart beat a little faster and puts a smile on your face, no matter how hard you resist it.  You get better at knowing when a  dark time is taking over and you find help.  You learn that music or dance or books or horses or skiing or hockey or running speaks to you in a way that people can't and you find a way to spend time there, in that place that is kind and loving and feeds your heart.  I still have really dark days.  I still don't believe that life is always a gift or precious.  But I know that I can stop the actions that follow those feelings.  I don't have to do anything because, the feeling, though incredibly strong, and often true, that feeling will pass or change or evolve into something else. And in allowing the darkness to be ok, I've found that I have something to say. I speak as an actress, as a dancer, as a teacher, and as a choreographer and because I've survived the darkness in myself, I have something special that a lot of other people don't have and can't access.  So, I can promise you that even if life continues to be challenging and people continue to suck and treat you badly, you will rise above it and find a place that is yours.  I urge you, beg you, plead with you to reach out instead of going inside yourself and find something to hold onto.  My sister found horses.  I'm a dancer. Find one counselor, one older mentor, someone who can introduce you to a world that  you don't know about and start there. High school kids are mean because they don't know yet how to be kind, but you can find people who do know and you can find them in surprising places. I urge you to find those people and stop looking to the ones that you already know. Once you do that, you'll find that life can be surprising and beautiful and worth sticking around for.
Nancy