Tech Rehearsal

I'm sitting in the theater at the tech rehearsal for Skeleton Stories. I love this show. It is touching and lovely and ugly and heartbreaking and gross and beautiful. The cast is amazing and the design team astonishing. I'm terrified that my work in it is not up to snuff, even though everyone has said only nice things about it. Isn't that always the case though, that feeling that we all have of not belonging, of not being good enough. Of course this business in which I am completely immersed emphasizes it over and over. "We've decided to go a different way, you are not what we have in mind, you are nice looking but we want a knockout...." The list of rejection sentences is endless. I was just rejected by a manager with whom I really wanted to work. That was hard. Very. It feels much more personal when they meet you and then reject you, rather than just throwing your picture into the trash. To balance that disappointment, I was cast in a new play, The Limitations of Genetic Technology, which will also take place at Theatre of Note. David Watkins is the amazing director. I just saw his current play, Meditations, Eva Hesse, for which I also auditioned (not getting cast was another of those losses that landed) and it was gorgeous. I am really excited to work with him. The timing of this next play is so much better as well. So, for each loss there is a gain. What I need to learn is how to make the pluses mean more than the losses. It's an ongoing process. For today, I am concentrating on this amazing production and looking forward to opening night, Friday October 1.

Staying strong in the wind....

It's been a month, maybe a little more, since I set myself free from therapy. Freedom is a slightly double edged sword however. I find myself feeling both a little more adrift and simultaneously stronger. I have set a task of actively sending out only positive energy, listing 5 positive things every morning on my Facebook and Twitter updates. I had actually tried this earlier last year, but in my journal. It felt stupid and fake and insincere. I find that sending it out in a public forum is a completely different animal. It is more genuine and the positive energy is starting to return to me. People are commenting that they feel that I've shifted, or that they like reading them, or simply that it's nice to see. It makes me feel a little less alone, but also, if I'm being truly honest, feels a little less than fully honest because although the positive thoughts are real, they are only part of the story. I spend much of my time managing feeling like shit: alone and scared. I feel like calling Dr. L at least once a day, but I haven't. I am able to manage on my own. That, in and of itself, is progress. What is interesting is that as I have actively decided to focus on the positive, there is more of it to focus on: I love my teaching jobs, I've had more auditions, call-backs and jobs, and I'm meeting with a new manager today. It's a complete package deal. Good breeds good. And staying in the day, a quote from my dear friend Liz, helps too.