Balance...

There is this thing...this balance between excitement and control, between hope and lack of attachment. I want these various jobs that I audition for so badly, but everyone knows that showing how much you want and hope and pray for (or even, God forbid, NEED) a job is an instant job killer. I had two call-backs last week, one for a commercial and one for a play. I am still holding out hope, as I really want them both. It can still happen but each moment that passes dims the possibility just a little. I was so excited to be called back. I felt that in each case I showed up and did good work, though I can always think of what I should of or could of or might have done. There is this initial rush and then it's over and the only thing left to do is wait. Each minute that goes by feels like a little ding. My inner voices start to berate me: you didn't study the script enough, you are too scrawny, you're too fat (my inner voices get equal time), you were boring, you were too pushy, you didn't cry enough in the emotional scenes, you were too quick to tear up. This detail goes on for a while, and then it becomes more over-reaching; you will never book another job again, you are in the wrong business, you basically just suck. All of this can get a girl down. Right? But, there is one thing that I am finally starting to learn. Fulfillment can come from many different sources. As I sat staring at the phone today (Ok, I wasn't sitting, I was on the elliptical, but still....) I received an email telling me that I am being honored by the Art of Elysium for my contributions as a volunteer in the theater department. That email made me cry tears of joy. I love the work that I do with AOE, and to get acknowledged for it, wow. What a gift. So, thank you for that. For giving me back some balance and a reminder that I do this work, all of it, for love. (I still want the jobs...just sayin')

Loss

My dearest friend lost her little brother today. I know that in our adulthood, "little" brother or "little" sister is not how we usually refer to our younger siblings, but there is this part inside that always sees them in that light; the little pest following you around. The same little pest that you would risk your own life to defend or save or ... well, when push comes to shove, truly nothing is more precious than your little brother or sister. So, my heart breaks for my friend and her family, who lost their precious child much too soon.

What matters.

It's been a crazy week. I broke my toe, which slowed me down for a day. I then got the stomach flu Friday night and wow, that was a little meaner, but I still rocked two auditions over the weekend, did a photo shoot, styled another one and went on a date....it's amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it. I met someone who started exercising the day after having his prostate removed. Mind over matter. It's all mind over matter. That is what counts.

Mixed Messages...

OMG. I put up a picture, wrote a short bio and description and I'm getting all of these emails and winks and lists and such. I still haven't paid the piper, so I have no way to access this rich assortment of male admiration but...you know. It does sort of feel good in a way. It is nice to realize that people think you are attractive. I mean, especially in the industry in which I reside. I rarely feel that positive energy coming my way. Yet, I am finding it strangely annoying in a way. I remember a conversation I had with a friend a while back. We were talking about putting out the right energy to attract people or men or whatever. I realize that, though I may dress nicely and want people to look at me, when they actually do my reaction is "WTF are you looking at?????" That is the reaction that I am having at this moment to the multitude of winks and emails filling up my inbox. Wow, WTF and go away. Slightly mixed messages, don't you think??

Match dot com

So, in a moment of weakness, I signed up for Match.com. I didn't pay anything. They simply send me a menu of men each night. I'm not sure, since I sent them no money, if I'm actually allowed to partake of this buffet or not. I would guess not. It's kind of hilarious, right? I mean, "here are your fresh picks for this evening mademoiselle. What do you think?" This one is cute but ABSOLUTELY wants children. This one is spiritual but not religious. This one is conservative and Christian (yet somehow being sent to me, an agnostic progressive....hmmmm). I'm sure each is convinced that they are unique and special people yet they all kind of look the same. They all look the same, just like I'm sure the myriad of headshots that we all slave over look the same to casting directors or the thousands of look books that boutique owners get in the mail or their in-boxes look the same. Same for scripts, novels, essays, blog entries or or or or or or....It's all the same. How do we reconcile this state of affairs with the reality that we are individuals and we all want something, which may look alike, but will feel absolutely mind blowing and original.....

First Booking for my new headshots!!

I am ridiculously happy that my new headshots booked their first job. It's a little funny that as an actor all you need for life to be ok is to hear those two little words; you're booked. You are the exact same person that you were before you heard the words, but you hear them and suddenly your life choice, for the moment, is validated. Seriously, we are ALWAYS unemployed. Gigging is not employment. Each time I get a check, it holds the excitement of the first check ever and the fear that it will be the last. For now, I'll just enjoy it and leave the despair for after the job is over.

Political Hypocrisy

I am furious with the current campaigns being waged in California for governor and for the Senate. Meg Whitman, the Republican candidate for governor, is buying the seat, spending 91 million of her own dollars. Yes, 91 million dollars. She is running as a fiscal conservative but what does her bottomless spending show? Someone who has absolutely no ability to budget or conserve and is basically amazingly and completely self serving. I understand that it is her money, she is not receiving public funds, yet the waste is still criminal. I would like to see, in my Utopian universe, a way that candidates can use the millions upon millions of dollars that they spend bashing each other in the media to do good. How about donating 2 million dollars to the LAUSD and making a few speeches at the ceremony. How about donating 10 million to create a health care pool for under served populations and making a few speeches there. The possibilities are endless and the press and media sources could help by making sure that the donations are publicized and by giving the candidates time and coverage to make it worth it. We could make it a public policy; for every dollar spent on a TV ad or newspaper ad, the same dollar would have to be donated to a worthy cause. It might help us out of this catastrophic financial crisis that we are in and give us candidates who want to govern and do good, rather than feed their egos by buying a kingdom.