Balance...

There is this thing...this balance between excitement and control, between hope and lack of attachment. I want these various jobs that I audition for so badly, but everyone knows that showing how much you want and hope and pray for (or even, God forbid, NEED) a job is an instant job killer. I had two call-backs last week, one for a commercial and one for a play. I am still holding out hope, as I really want them both. It can still happen but each moment that passes dims the possibility just a little. I was so excited to be called back. I felt that in each case I showed up and did good work, though I can always think of what I should of or could of or might have done. There is this initial rush and then it's over and the only thing left to do is wait. Each minute that goes by feels like a little ding. My inner voices start to berate me: you didn't study the script enough, you are too scrawny, you're too fat (my inner voices get equal time), you were boring, you were too pushy, you didn't cry enough in the emotional scenes, you were too quick to tear up. This detail goes on for a while, and then it becomes more over-reaching; you will never book another job again, you are in the wrong business, you basically just suck. All of this can get a girl down. Right? But, there is one thing that I am finally starting to learn. Fulfillment can come from many different sources. As I sat staring at the phone today (Ok, I wasn't sitting, I was on the elliptical, but still....) I received an email telling me that I am being honored by the Art of Elysium for my contributions as a volunteer in the theater department. That email made me cry tears of joy. I love the work that I do with AOE, and to get acknowledged for it, wow. What a gift. So, thank you for that. For giving me back some balance and a reminder that I do this work, all of it, for love. (I still want the jobs...just sayin')