Autonomy

The last few weeks have been life changing, in ways both big and small. Rob's death was immense. Feeling his loss through Gillian was heartbreaking. I in no way want to completely turn this to me, but any experience will have personal ripples and for my personal journey, his death was an eye opener to the imagined results of my own unfulfilled suicidal fantasies. I have spent the last 12 years in therapy, trying to find...wow...so many things: a reason for living, the reason(s) that I felt that I couldn't or shouldn't. I've looked for someone to blame, a catalyst for my pain and anguish and torture. I've cried, floated out of my body, shut down, written endless emails and journal entries dissecting my past, my parents and my mind. Along the way I made numerous discoveries. There are and were valid and heartbreaking reasons for my "craziness". Yet with the increasing knowledge, nothing really changed. I became less self destructive. I usually eat on a regular basis now. I have stopped crashing cars and taking sleeping pills and cutting and burning.....I've learned to handle myself in a way that will keep me on the planet. But internally, nothing was different. I was increasingly able, perhaps simply as a result of growing older, to cope, however nothing cured me of the desire to go until now. I stayed alive because I was supposed to. Looking into Jocelyn and Gillian's shocked and shattered eyes made me realize that with all of the release that I hoped to experience myself, I would have put that look into my sister's eyes. That single act would have been unforgivable. What is interesting is that I've two friends who committed suicide and neither of those tragedies (and they were absolutely tragedies) gave me this autonomy. It was this unexpected, accidental death that, along with many many other changes in my life, made me finally say, you know what? Living just might be ok. I don't need a therapist to remind me of that fact. I can find something every day to live for, to strive for and to be proud of. I have the ability to put those nasty voices in the corner. I've yet to shut them up, but I can let them chatter on while I do what needs to be done. That feels like freedom to me. It is a new and glorious opening. And for the first time in years, I'm going to do it alone.