I started a post while visiting my family entitled patience, about trying to hold onto my sense of self and soul while with my family under stressful circumstances. I abandoned the post much like I abandoned myself while there. I had a pretty horrid trip to my family compound (yes, my sister's house is like a compound) over the holidays and am still trying to recover, both emotionally and even more importantly, spiritually. I feel a little broken, and incredibly sad, as my own inability to handle things made the trip much worse than it needed to be. This new year is not starting out with the bang that I would have liked. I'm beginning in a place of digging out, of trying to gain some equilibrium. I wanted to send out a newsletter listing a new TV role and maybe a movie. Instead I am reading other actors' newsletters and Facebook updates, feeling jealous and small. Not attractive. I am working on patience, on tolerance and on a various host of other attributes which should help me become a better person and move me beyond the paralyzing inertia that all of this self hatred engenders.
So, in that vein, I've been looking at the various ways that people re-invent in the new year, which to be real, is just another date on the calender. "100 Days of Excellence" is one that I liked, but what happens after the 100 days? Do all of the resolutions and re-arranging of one's life really elicit change? I have such rituals to start each year; a new dream board, a new journal, a quiet evening deciding what I want to accomplish. I should have listed the accomplishments of 2010, as there were many of which I am proud. I should have set the stage for even more this year. However, I skipped all of the familiar routines this year, spending New Year's Eve watching "The Good Wife", then going to sleep early. Maybe I should have stuck to the ritual, but it seems as if there must be some other thing that will set this year apart, make it really fly. Or, maybe there isn't. January 1 is simply a date on the calender. Nothing more and it is all a game, this yearly reinvention that just leads up back to ourselves, flaws and all.....
I don't really have a close for this post...which might be good. Inspiration is in an unfinished sentence, story or song....I'm leaving room open for inspiration.
So, in that vein, I've been looking at the various ways that people re-invent in the new year, which to be real, is just another date on the calender. "100 Days of Excellence" is one that I liked, but what happens after the 100 days? Do all of the resolutions and re-arranging of one's life really elicit change? I have such rituals to start each year; a new dream board, a new journal, a quiet evening deciding what I want to accomplish. I should have listed the accomplishments of 2010, as there were many of which I am proud. I should have set the stage for even more this year. However, I skipped all of the familiar routines this year, spending New Year's Eve watching "The Good Wife", then going to sleep early. Maybe I should have stuck to the ritual, but it seems as if there must be some other thing that will set this year apart, make it really fly. Or, maybe there isn't. January 1 is simply a date on the calender. Nothing more and it is all a game, this yearly reinvention that just leads up back to ourselves, flaws and all.....
I don't really have a close for this post...which might be good. Inspiration is in an unfinished sentence, story or song....I'm leaving room open for inspiration.
2 comments:
First off, you are beautiful, accomplished and strong. You should know there are people who admire you and what you do! (like me =)
But I feel your pain and I do agree that the 1st is just another day on the calendar. I spent New Years Eve doing laundry.
I do await your newsletter, though, because I love reading them and would love to know all the awesome things you accomplished and the many more you have on the horizon!
xo,
Nina
January 1st is indeed, just another date. And resolutions were probably started by the hypocritical Catholics who feel the need to feel guilt over everything.
And jealousy, sadness, feeling small are all just emotions. That ebb and flow with the tides.
Family is just random people that we happen to be genetically connected to.
We all lose our way. We all lose our skills when faced with challenge (aka: family).
I personally think January 1st isn't a time for exuberant exclamations of what we will achieve. I think it's a time to be quiet and go inward and find strength to get through the long days of winter. Winter the season and winter, the soul.
I noticed yesterday, the days are ever so slightly getting longer. Just a hint of sunlight a bit longer in the day.
I know you like to jump in Nancy and do everything at once.
Let your soul emerge from the compound like the sunlight as it moves towards spring. Slowly. Gently. And savor it.
Without the darkeness, we have no light.
I love you.
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