Father's Day

Father's Day. I am taking the day off, ostensibly to take care of myself and to prepare for the crazy week ahead (I think I'm working about 90 hours this coming week. Are there even 90 hours in a week???). What I've realized as I've cried through the day is that I needed to take today to mourn something....I miss my dad. I somehow feel that he holds the answers to my eternal sadness. He knows why I can't find the success that I am constantly working towards but never achieving. He knows what is wrong with me and why. I don't know. It's possible I also just miss him. Unlike my mom (who I love but have a hard time with in the day to day), I actually liked him. He was smart and funny and energetic and fucking nuts. I also hated him in a way that I don't hate my mother. His cruelty, unlike hers, doesn't seem to have an excuse for being. I can see where she was wronged and beaten down and frustrated into bitterness. He had everything handed to him. Everything. To not be gracious and generous with that is inexcusable. That said, today I just miss my dad. The sense of security that having one in the world gives you. I remember the morning of 9/11 and my first thought was that if my dad was still alive this sort of horror wouldn't have happened. Silly, I know, but every so often I feel that stronger than I could have ever imagined....
So, that is today.
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